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Filed under Guest posts
Lately, I’ve been feeling like failure is a necessary precursor to success.
Allow me to explain.
I’ve got 4 guest posts coming up in the next 4 weeks, at Everyday Bright, Books Distilled, Tiny Buddha and Undefinable You.
For those of you who have seen my Goal Tracking Tool over at Support Plans, you’ll note that I set a goal to guest post on a new site every other month. One could say that I’ve achieved my goal for the next 8 (!) months. I’ve also got my first ebook coming out on 5/24. Guest-posting and releasing an ebook are my two major growth strategies for this site, and it’s exciting to have them converging during this time.
Let’s set aside the fact that I should have set a bigger goal in the first place and look at what happened to get me to this point. Specifically, I want to share the string of failures that preceded the posts…as case-studies in how to turn failures into stepping-stones toward success.
As my friend Leo* once defined humility: “I don’t know. But I think it helps…to not be afraid of your faults.” Likewise, I’d say this about defining success: “I don’t know. But I think it helps…to not be afraid of your failures.”
I love writers who are honest about their failures. I love when people talk about about the emotional roller-coaster and tenacity-bordering-on-insanity it takes to live your dream.
Let’s take it post by post, going behind the scenes…
1. Everyday Bright: If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. (Also, make an effort to meet people.)
Ever since I met Jennifer Gresham, I’ve been hoping to post on Everyday Bright. Jen’s standards are high, with good reason: her work is amazing, and her readers are inspiring in their own right. So I set to work.
The only problem was, she rejected the first two posts I wrote for her.
Two strikes, baby. Before I went for my third attempt, I:
On my third try, I hit a home run. (Or at least a high fly ball into left field.) You’ll be the judge on May 24th!
2. Books Distilled: Encourage others in their dreams.
My best friend Brooke has been my writing partner ever since college. We’ve challenged and encouraged each other, and our writing is better as a result. So, when she told me that she wanted to start a blog, I was thrilled. I’d longed to share the world of online writing with her, and hearing the energy and excitement in her voice made me so happy.
What did I learn from the opportunity to post on her site?
3. Tiny Buddha: One rejection doesn’t define your work.
“The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that successful people fail more.” (Martha Beck, Ph.D, The Four Day Win.) In other words: successful people take more chances. It’s scary as hell, but it works.
A few months ago, I wrote a guest post for a contest. I worked on it for days, but it did not win. Three other posts did.
The rejected post sat in my drafts folder, unpublished, for several weeks. I thought about submitting it elsewhere, but it just didn’t feel right.
Until the day my friend Rachel sent me a post on Tiny Buddha.com. I liked the post, so I explored the site. In a few hours I had a new draft of my rejected post ready to go. I submitted it and received an acceptance the same day!
Here’s the kicker: the site I’d originally written the post for has a few thousand fans and subscribers. Tiny Buddha has over 100,000 Twitter followers alone.
Lessons learned:
4. Undefinable You: Take small opportunities (because that’s how you move forward.)
Successful people seize opportunities, even small ones. Last week, I noticed that Dusti Arab, a writer I admire, was looking to meet up with readers via Skype. She tweeted her availability, and I took a deep breath and tweeted back.
As in my meeting with Jen, I was totally nervous to Skype with Dusti…but it turned out to be a great move. Not only did I get to make a new friend and receive some timely wisdom and encouragement, but I also received an unexpected invitation to guest post on Dusti’s new site, Undefinable You! (If you’ve not yet checked her out, her latest post is deeply insightful.)
Lessons learned:
My hope for you is that you will be an alchemist…transforming ordinary failure into extraordinary success.
***
*Names have been changed.
Recommended Reading/Affiliate Links:
Remember how I mentioned that I’ll continue to support Courtney, the writer who gave me my first guest post? 
Simple Ways To Be More With Less
Courtney Carver’s new ebook is now on sale! If you enjoyed my guest post at Be More With Less, 5 Simplicity DIYs (You’ve Been Too Scared To Try), you’ll be sure to want this book! As Courtney writes, “Included are recommendations to simplify your life and ideas to live each day more purposefully.”
Welcome to the Special Sunday Edition of A Wish Come Clear!
In honor of Mother’s Day (and in lieu of my usual Monday post), I’d like to share with you 10 things my Mom taught me, through her words and her actions. Each line includes a link to a post that’s moved me this week.
10 Life Lessons From 1 Wonderful Mom:
1. Wherever you’re going, take snacks. (In other words, feed yourself.)
2. Give freely, and go beyond what’s expected.
3. Always bring a gift if you’ll be staying at someone else’s house. Corollary: Don’t arrive empty-handed to a party. It can be flowers, wine, chocolate, a card. Whatever you choose, give to those who invite you to their homes. And thank-you notes matter.
4. If you have a headache, you’re probably dehydrated. If you’re cranky, you’re probably hungry or tired. Instead of popping a pill and forging on with your day when you feel a physical symptom, stop for a moment. Ask yourself what needs aren’t getting met. You might just need to press pause on your life, relax and have a good laugh.
5. Don’t settle. My mom has an amazing fitness level, and it’s because she’s made a commitment to activities she loves. She does yoga, teaches strength and fitness classes, plays tennis and goes for long walks. Through her example, she taught me to see exercise as an energy-builder, rather than an onerous chore. Likewise, my mom taught me that making healthy choices (in regards to food, exercise and life choices) allows you to give yourself the gift of good health.
6. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, make a list. Even if it’s a not-to-do list.
7. The way to grow something good is to give it time every day. My mom taught this by example; she grew her strong faith little by little, day by day. Every morning as I trudged down the stairs to get ready for school, I’d see her sitting at her desk. She’d be wrapped in an afghan, journaling, meditating and spending time with God. These times prepared her to cope with the very difficult years of my brother’s behavioral issues. She set aside time for herself each morning, and because of that sacred space, she was able to face a good deal during her days.
Corollary: don’t give up on people you love. My parents did not give up on my brother, despite all the ways in which he did (and still does at times) wreak havoc. That doesn’t mean controlling someone else, not accepting reality, or trying to force another person to change. It simply means: fight for your relationships, and fight for your ideals. Give them all you’ve got.
8. It will always look better in the morning. In other words: your problems seem more terrible and insurmountable when you’re tired. Get some rest.
9. Remember the story of your birth. My mom has told me the (abridged) version of how I was born many times, and I treasure that story. It gives me a glimpse of the person I’ve always been, even as an infant, and the person I hope to be as a woman: wide-eyed, awake, focused, present.
10. Give the gift of yourself. When I asked my mom what she wanted for Mother’s Day. After a pause, she said, “Well…write me something!” In other words, she wanted me to give her an organic gift, to celebrate her day by doing what comes naturally to me.
Mom, I hope you like your gift. Happy Mother’s Day!
Show your love by sending this along to your mom, aunt, grandmother, or another special woman in your life.
PS ~ What did your mother teach you about life? Tell me in the comments!
***
Recommended Reading/Affiliate Link/Potential Mother’s Day Gift If You Haven’t Gotten One Yet:
1. Perhaps Mom could use some extra support this year? Check out Support Plans to learn more.
2. New extra-special-just-for-this-Mother’s-Day ebook (and because I have a Skype date with the lovely Dusti tomorrow!):
The Minimalist Mom by Dusti Arab
As Dusti writes, “You don’t have to settle because you’re a mom. You are amazing because you are a mom. Motherhood is a beautiful thing, but there are an awful lot of assumptions that go with it. Who decided becoming moms meant we had to give up who we are as women? There is this existing notion in our society that we should be martyrs, but isn’t that insane? Minimalist motherhood is an alternative to that, because we acknowledge that we need to take care of ourselves before we can truly care for the needs of others.” Click HERE for The Minimalist Mom.
When you want to solve an intractable problem, you probably do what I do: dwell, ruminate and obsess. Yet I’ve noticed that when I’m frantically seeking a solution to a difficulty, I rarely receive one. Yet this does not translate to: “Since I don’t know what to do about my [job search/medical condition/insane schedule], I’m going to do nothing.” Giving up gets you nowhere.
But if madly scrambling for a solution isn’t helpful….and giving up won’t do…what’s left?
There’s a middle way between striving and passivity. It’s called active receptivity. It means that you work toward a solution while opening yourself to receive the unexpected. Problem-solving is an art, and art is a receptive process. It is akin to conceiving a child…one part science and two parts mystery.
Let’s talk about how you can cultivate active receptivity in your life.
First and foremost: “Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth.”
(Because if Liz Gilbert puts it on the first page of Eat, Pray, Love…then baby, that’s the first thing I’ll say.)
The foundation of many a problem is a failure to acknowledge your truth in a given situation. Deep down, you know your truth…yet hearing it requires listening. To wit: when I was in an annual planning meeting with Paul* (a member of L’Arche who has intellectual disabilities) I heard a whisper of truth that has stayed with me since.
A bit of background: planning meetings are held to create an individual’s support plan (ISP). ISPs are required for people with intellectual disabilities who receive Medicaid Waiver services. The ISP helps a person sets goals important to and important for them, and ensures they’ll get support to reach those goals. Behind the bureaucracy of the format, it’s actually a very cool process.
Before the goal-setting starts, the person shares how they’re feeling about each area of their life. Paul was asked, “What do you like about living at L’Arche?”
“The freedom,” he said, very softly. “I like the freedom.”
Paul needs significant social supports, and his caregivers limited his freedom in the past. We do our best to support him at L’Arche, but there are days when Paul’s problems seem to loom larger than the love we have for him. I hoped L’Arche had been a place of freedom for him, but until that moment, I honestly wasn’t sure.
But when he spoke his truth, I had no doubt.
I challenge you to sit quietly, while holding the problem you’re struggling with lightly in your mind. Listen for whispers of truth.
Next, try a different route.
At Paul’s planning meeting, we brainstormed different possible jobs for him. It was clear that he wanted something new, but he wasn’t wedded to one type of employment. He was open to possibilities.
An attitude of experimentation empowers you to be patient, waiting for one small action.
When faced with a challenging conundrum, give yourself time to think, process and breathe. In our fast-food, fast-track world, a little patience goes a long way. Patience (with the universe and with yourself) puts you way ahead of the pack.
As Roland Merullo writes in A Little Love Story: “…If you just let your mind scamper around the fences for awhile, you see one small action you might take– a word, a shift in tactics. You tug on the knotted-up ball of string once, here, and things begin to loosen.”
For you, this might mean making an appointment that you’ve been putting off, or taking an honest look at your schedule and saying no to some things.
Let me tell you about a “knotted-up ball of string” that loosened in my life.
I’ve been wanting to connect with you, my readers, on a more personal level. To give back. To help you take care of yourself.
But for the longest time…I. had. no. idea. how.
I wrote down ideas and rejected them. I did idea-generation exercises, and…nada. So I:
It was as though this idea had its own hatching time, one that I couldn’t control. I could only hope to facilitate the process.
Then, this past Saturday, I woke up full of energy. I sat down at my computer. I wrote about self-care for caregivers, and working 1-on-1. I wrote about my experience at L’Arche. As I wrote, the outline of an idea emerged from the fog of frustration.
I wrote until I was sure. Until a new page materialized, until the excitement within me was brim-full. Then I went out and ran four miles. And went for a walk. And a bike ride. (Oh yes, I was sore the next day.)
The idea, in a nutshell: I’m going to facilitate a support planning process for you, my readers. I’m going to utilize my experience to create unique plans for you. I’m going to foster the process that helped Paul speak his truth.
This idea-generation process has been messy, painful and a bit out-of-control…
but then, I hear, so is giving birth.
***
*Names have been changed.
Recommended Reading/Affiliate Links:
In keeping with the theme of this post (freedom! new ideas!):
Simplify: 7 Guiding Principles To Help Anyone Declutter Their Home And Life
As Joshua writes, “Two years ago, a typical family of four living in the suburbs made the decision to minimize their possessions, declutter their home, and simplify their life. Since then, they have inspired hundreds of thousands of others to give the new lifestyle a chance. And now, to help you experience the same freedom, they offer the most important lessons they have learned through the process in their new e-book.”
Click HERE for Simplify: 7 Guiding Principles to Help Anyone Declutter Their Home and Life.
Last week’s post on thinking small got me thinking about the flip side of things. Initiative. Thinking big and acting big.
This doesn’t have to mean acting dramatic. It means acting outside your comfort zone. It means having what my friends and I call ‘brave days’.
Thinking big and acting big simply means putting yourself out there. It means that you…
1. State Your Desires
In yoga, there’s a wonderful tradition of setting an intention as you begin your practice (or begin your day.) Your intention could be anything: to have fun, to challenge yourself, to breathe deeply. The power in this is that it forces you to take a moment and ask yourself what you want from your practice, from your life. It positions you to take initiative, to move toward your desire.
When I think of initiative, I think of my friend Theresa*. One day, weeks before my wedding, she approached me and hugged me. Apropos of nothing, she said with a smile: “Guess what? I’m comin’ to your weddin’!”
There was no time to think. She wasn’t on the initial guest list. (We had a very small wedding.) But I had an epiphany.
“Of course you are!” I said. And that was that.
She was right. She was coming, because I couldn’t help but see the love and enthusiasm she’d bring to our day. I couldn’t help but agree with her belief that she should be there.
True, I could have told Theresa no. I wasn’t afraid of losing the friendship. (Our friendship has survived many a ‘no’.) She would have been disappointed, but she would not have loved me less.
Weeks later, Theresa said the opening prayer at our ceremony. She blessed Jonathan and me with such straightforward conviction that when she finished, our minister said, “I’m not sure I should add anything to that!”
What intention could you state aloud today (even just to yourself?)
2. Embrace Non-Complaint, And Take Action
My husband Jonathan (who has asked me to write that he is: “…nine feet tall, 500 pounds, and can bench-press entire buildings!”) is a master of the non-complaint. He’s had tendonitis for the last two weeks, and it’s definitely limited his mobility.
If this were me, I would be strongly tempted toward self-pity.
Nevertheless, he’s not resorted to self-pity or complaint. His outlook is patience. He’s resting, icing, massaging…doing everything to facilitate healing. He’s accepting where he is, but also working to change it. And that is a powerful position to take.
As he often says, “If there’s something I don’t like, I change it. If I can’t change it, then I do something else.”
Does this statement ring true for you? If so, how could you incorporate it into your daily life?
3. See Yourself Through Different Eyes
I had a strange dream last night. I was in a hospital, and I was there to help my mom give birth. To me. (Wild, right?)
In the dream, I used every ounce of kindness and humor I had to make things easier for her. And then the scene shifted, and I was holding a baby girl in my arms. The baby girl was me. And I was amazed at her. She was sweet, smart, perceptive and articulate. (In fact, there was no way this baby could have been a newborn. She spoke in full sentences. She had skills.)
When I woke up, I realized I’d been given a gift: the gift of seeing myself through different eyes. I could appreciate my capacities without getting hung up on my disabilities. I felt released of any judgment toward myself; my inner critic was silent. (For about five minutes.) Even so, it was miraculous.
It made me think of how I recently spent time with my best friends and their 18-month-old son. He is a marvel, smart, daring and hilarious. We were all captivated by him. (Even when he pooped on our floor. Twice.) His presence freed us up to play and dawdle and enjoy dolce far niente. He seemed to shine at us, and we shone back.
Spend some time with a child, and you’ll see it: we all have that capacity to shine. We were all born to do big things.
Final confession: I’ve had the Lady Gaga song, “Born This Way” in my head all week. This is partly Katie Tallo’s fault (thanks to her post, “I’m Having A Gaga Moment”).
As such, it’s fitting to leave you with this:
“Whether life’s disabilities / Left you outcast, bullied or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today / ‘Cause baby, you were born this way.”
***
*Names have been changed.
(Free) Recommended Reading:
In keeping with the theme of this post, I’d like to recommend:
This Free Ebook Resource: Books To Change The Way You Think. Dusti Arab of Minimalist Adventures (and the new site Undefinable You) compiled this fantastic list of free ebooks. As I’ve read and enjoyed many of them, I’d like to pass the goodness along!
I have a confession to make: I can be my own best buzzkill. I was this week.
Two nights ago, I was thrilled to hear that I’d made my first affiliate sale. Someone purchased Inside-Out Simplicity via A Wish Come Clear (thank you, whoever you are.) Someone had a fantastic book to read…and I’d made a sale! I’ve had (wonderful, generous) donations, but a sale! I bounced around with excitement. I tweeted about it with Josh Becker (the author.) He was glad to be a part of my first sale. I thought about how exciting it was, how much I’m looking forward to publishing my own ebook and this site’s upcoming redesign.
And then I started downplaying it all.
I put on what Danielle LaPorte calls the ‘happiness muffle’. I subdued my excitement, saying to my husband, “It’s a start, but…it’s not big deal. Just $6.”
It was amazing how quickly my mood changed. I’d been elated, and suddenly, I was downcast. I thought, “I have so much farther to go…the site’s still so small…maybe it was a one-time fluke…”
Have you done this? Have you ever hit a milestone of some kind and then cut short the celebration with rationalizing or comparing yourself to others?
I considered the impulses behind my downplaying:
1. Fear of showing enthusiasm/revealing how much I care about a certain milestone or success. There’s a false belief that, if I show too much joy over something, it will be snatched away.
2. A ‘don’t rest on your laurels’ approach that pushes me past celebration and back to work right away. It’s another false belief that, if I am happy with a success, it will take away my determination to work toward a greater goal.
3. Belief that small things are insignificant.
I’ll focus on number 3, because it’s the most insidious one.
Small things get a bad rap. My mom used to quote me the verse, “Do not despise the day of small things.” She must have sensed within me a tendency to associate bigger with better. When we think this way, we miss out on opportunities. We get paralyzed by our own big dreams. We forget that doing a little bit every day can get us where we want to go; that giving a little bit matters; that overcoming our fear means taking one small courageous step at a time.
Luckily, my friends at L’Arche have helped to re-introduce me to the beauty of small. As I wrote in 2007:
“I observed Theresa* hunting for pennies as we walked around the block together. Other assistants had told me about her penchant for finding coins, but it was an education to see it firsthand. Theresa scrupulously searches every street she walks down, finding pennies wherever she goes. Yet what strikes me is not so much her capacity for locating pennies but her method of gathering them. When she comes upon a coin, she stops and raises her hands in slow, deliberate delight. She bends to retrieve the coin, but never snatches at it. She just cups the penny into her palm and smiles.”
My friend Theresa has shown me that delighting in the small things isn’t foolish…it’s life-giving.
This week, I’ve been intrigued by Everett Bogue’s piece, “The 333 Project: How To Create A Six-Figure Writing Career in 2011.” In it, he outlines how he’s “closing in on” 333 subscribers to his newsletter (because 333 subscribers at $25/month adds up to six figures.) This is impressive, but I’m not intrigued by the numbers so much as the philosophy.
What he’s saying is: think small. Don’t assume that you need to do big things or please everyone in order to make your dreams come true. Think about what a small, dedicated group of people could do for your business, and what that small group could do for this world. Regardless of whether you’re selling newsletters or saving whales, this is valuable.
So I asked myself: How do I cultivate this kind of thinking, this way of being? Put another way: What qualities does Theresa exhibit in her search for pennies?
1. Theresa doesn’t compare one penny on the sidewalk with a huge jar of them in her room. She rejects comparison in favor of celebration. Each penny on the sidewalk makes a measurable difference to Theresa.
2. Theresa’s persistence practically guarantees that she’ll accumulate lots of pennies in her lifetime…because she’s always got her eyes open for them.
3. Because Theresa is proud and unashamed of her passion for penny collection, everyone in the community knows about it. And lots of people give Theresa pennies for her birthday. Huge jars of them. (You’d better believe THOSE add up.)
The small currencies of love I find at L’Arche enrich me every day. And because of Theresa’s example, I’m proud to say I earned $6 in affiliate commissions this week. While of course I have bigger dreams, I’m just starting out, starting small. This is where I’m at right now, and it’s a place worth celebrating.
Plus, when you think about it in Theresa’s terms: Six dollars, baby…that’s six hundred pennies.
***
How about you? How could you ‘think small’ when it comes to your big dreams? Tell me in the comments!
***
*Names have been changed.
Recommended Reading/Affiliate Links:
In keeping with the theme of this post, I’d like to recommend:
The Simple Guide To A Minimalist Life by Leo Baubata. Author Leo Babauta (of ZenHabits.com, mnmlist.com and others) helps you think small. Leo writes about how changing one habit at a time enabled him to completely alter the course of his life. Chapters cover everything from clearing clutter to sustainability to travel to fitness to finances. You can also see a preview of the first few chapters here. Happy Reading!
