Uncomplicate, Or, Don’t Bake The Bread (Saving Your Sanity, Part 3)

This post is the 3rd in a 4-part series on “Saving your sanity.” The last post was “What it takes to be a clutterbusting champ”. The final post (Part 4) will focus on streamlining daily routines. My posting schedule is Monday, Wednesday, Friday; subscribe for free via email (via the box at the top right of this page) to get new posts straight to your inbox!

Finally, I’m happy to share that A wish come clear has a Store!

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A few months into my first ‘tour of duty’ at L’Arche DC, I shared the story of cooking my first L’Arche supper with a new assistant, Allison. I told her how intimidated I was by the idea of cooking for 17 people – the entire household, plus a few guests. Anxious to please, I devised an elaborate menu — frittatas, sweet potatoes, salad, homemade bread. My housemates kept poking their heads into the kitchen to see what wonders I was working. This was gratifying, so I pressed on. Yet as the afternoon waned, I saw that my menu ‘reach’ exceeded my culinary ‘grasp’. To be more specific:  I’d never baked bread before. As such, I made a last-minute decision to buy a loaf of bakery bread instead.

At this point, Allison laughed and said, “Honey, next time, don’t even think about baking the bread! Just say no. Don’t bake the bread!”

I’ve kept her words in my mind and heart since then. I understand them to mean:  let go of the need to be ‘perfect’. It’s okay to not be a bread-maker (or a brewer.) It’s okay to be who you are.

Now, I realize that there is a place and time for giving your all. Your college application, the Olympic relays…by all means, go all out.

But cooking a meal for people who will love and support you no matter what? Don’t turn that into an Olympic sport. Don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself. That kind of pressure doesn’t translate well to the easy pleasure of sharing a meal. Instead, it lends itself to you slumping in your chair, exhausted, when your wild cooking-effort is complete.

But how do you not go there? How do you resist the temptation to ‘bake the bread’? As a recovering perfectionist, allow me to share some strategies:

Uncomplicate / realize that you have options.

In her book When Organizing Isn’t Enough, author Julie Morgenstern offers a way of re-tooling perfectionist thinking. She recommends giving yourself three ‘approaches’ to each task:  minimum, moderate and maximum. For example, the minimum for me preparing dinner at L’Arche would be to order pizza; moderate would be to cook a healthy-but-simple meal such as a stir-fry; maximum would be to go full-on gourmet and make lobster (and/or bread.)

Julie advises that recovering perfectionists, “…opt for either the minimum or the moderate whenever possible. You can always add a layer of polish after the minimum is done. This technique helps you recognize that there are more than the two outcomes of disaster or perfection.” In other words:  there is a middle way. To find it, it’s helpful to…

Observe others / surround yourself with teachers.

How do you feel around a person who is always striving to please? Someone who is always seeking to improve, and never resting in the goodness of what is? Being around them gets kind of tiring, doesn’t it? There’s no ‘room’ to rest and relax.

But even acknowledging that…how do you get perspective when you’re already mired in the perfectionist mindset?

You watch (and remember) people who have a better handle on it than you do.

Given my own perfectionistic tendencies, I have a lot to learn. So I surround myself with teachers of the ‘middle way’, like my friends Miguel*, Cassandra and Alan. I love to be around people who are content with who they are, people who are content to contribute what they can. People who can say, “Good enough” and move on. People who inspire me to grow and change, but also invite me to simply be with them.

As you move toward a ‘middle way’ for yourself, remember to…

Question your motives / look for the way of love.

When you feel yourself moving toward perfectionistic striving, take pause and ask yourself:  is this action motivated by love for myself and for others? Love doesn’t push you too far past your limits. Love doesn’t rush around frantically, trying to please everyone with impressive displays. Love is gentler, kinder and more patient than that. When you let love rule your actions, you go easier on yourself.

In my first-supper fiasco, my motives were only half-love. True, I wanted to create a nourishing meal…but I also wanted people to be impressed by my abilities. I wanted them to see me as an ‘experienced’ assistant, as someone who belonged at L’Arche. At the core of my striving was this yearning to belong, to contribute. And beyond the new-kid insecurity, I wanted to show my new-found love for the people at L’Arche.

I’m encouraged by this quote from Martin Luther King Jr (found here; emphasis mine):  “Keep feeling the need for being important. Keep feeling the need for being first. But I want you to be the first in love. I want you to be the first in moral excellence. I want you to be the first in generosity.”

Years later, I can look back and smile at my younger self. Little did she know:  she already belonged in L’Arche. In fact, four years and many a meal later, she still does. And it didn’t even take homemade bread to make it happen.

Namaste,

Caroline

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*Names have been changed.

What It Takes To Be A Clutterbusting Champ (Saving Your Sanity, Part 2)

This post is the 2nd in a 4-part series on “Saving your sanity.” The first post was “The art of gracefully declining”. Subsequent posts will focus on streamlining daily routines and simplifying. (Part 3 will run on Monday.) My posting schedule is Monday, Wednesday, Friday; subscribe via email (via the box at the top right of this page) to get new posts straight to your inbox!

Finally, I’m happy to share that A wish come clear was a featured link on this weeks’ ‘Simple Living News Update’ on RowdyKittens. In case you’ve not visited Tammy Strobel’s fantastic site, here’s your chance!

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Have you ever found yourself watching a sporting event that you know nothing about? (Curling, rugby and dressage are good examples for me.) Even if you know very little about the sport, if you watch carefully you can usually tell who the star is. You can spot one person, maybe two, who surpasses the rest. How do you pick up on this, when you don’t know the rules of the game?

You watch for confidence. You watch for gutsy moves, communication and teamwork. You watch for an intensity in their eyes.

I was fortunate enough to see such a star in action two years ago. Her ‘event’? Clutterbusting. Her name? Theresa.* We’d been housemates at L’Arche for over a year before I recognized her clutterbusting prowess.

One Saturday morning, I asked Theresa, “Hey. What do you think about maybe clearing out your room with me today?” I enjoy helping people simplify and declutter. By contrast, Theresa enjoys going to yard sales and adding to her DVD collection. These two personalities put together could have been a disaster waiting to happen…but not for us. We powered through Theresa’s room, amassing 8 large trash-bags and designating more to give away. By the end, I was exhausted and exhilarated. Theresa kept giving me high-fives, and I kept saying things like, “Yeah! 8 trash-bags. What?!”

How did Theresa do it?

She invited me in. Due to the fact that Theresa had so much in her small room, I anticipated resistance to my suggestion. I got enthusiasm instead. It turns out that she had been wanting to declutter, but no one had yet offered to help. I told her up-front that I would respect her choices, that this was her room and that she got to make the decisions. I would make suggestions, but the choices would be hers. Trusting this, Theresa wasn’t defensive. She saw us as collaborators, and relished the task of re-commanding her space with me. As we continued working…

She allowed herself to get swept up. Theresa got excited along with me at the prospect of decluttering her space. This required trust, but it also required uninhibited willingness to play. Theresa didn’t have a preconceived idea about clutterbusting as drudgery. We made it fun (tossing items into bags as though they were basketball hoops, dancing in the open spaces we were creating), and the fun allowed her to make choices more easily. It was amazing to see how…

She made quick decisions, and didn’t look back. She was as free with her yes as with her no. I kept asking the quintessential question, “Do you like this, or can we let it go?” I could tell that guilt was not a factor in her choices. She wasn’t thinking in terms of whether or not she ‘should’ keep an item. She made choices based on what her present self wanted (not her past self or an imagined future self.) There were few items over which she hesitated. For those, we agreed to either a) come back to it later or b) think of a specific person who might enjoy it. In almost every case, Theresa chose to give the item away. As such…

She played to her strengths. Theresa’s natural generosity and her strong spirit of entrepreneurship came to the fore in our session. Often, she’d think of specific people who would love to receive an item, or she’d imagine selling the item in her own yard sale. She also considered the fact that she’d continue going to yard sales. (She has about $5 of her own money to spend at each sale.) We talked about the ‘one in, one out’ rule, and the value of limiting her collection (i.e., only keeping enough DVDs to fill one bookcase.) She could see that clearing clutter today was a way to make room for treasures she hadn’t yet discovered.

Whenever I clear clutter, I think of Theresa. There’s something magical about seeing a champ in action. There’s something beautiful about seeing a person move confidently in newly-cleared space. There’s something amazing about detaching from stuff and allowing spirit to shine through.

With the weekend upon us, I challenge you:  what space could you create? Could you enlist some help, be open to the process, let go of guilt and be decisive, open your hands and your heart?

If you’re open to the challenge, here are some excellent resources to get you started:

Living Simply:  The Ultimate Guide to Conquering your Clutter (at Zen Habits)

How to Win the War on Clutter (at Miss Minimalist)

Creating Space for Our Peace of Mind (at Clutter Busting)

Namaste,

Caroline

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Thank you for reading! Share your experience of clutterbusting and start a conversation with a comment below.

Retweets and subscriptions via email or RSS are always appreciated. (As Everett Bogue once said, “Twitter gives you wings.” Subscriptions do, too.)

*Names have been changed.

The Art Of Gracefully Declining (Saving Your Sanity, Part 1)

Hello and good morning, all! This post marks the start of a 4-part series on “Saving your sanity.” The next three posts will focus on clutter-busting, streamlining daily routines and simplifying. Part 2 will run this Friday.

My current posting schedule is Monday, Wednesday, Friday; subscribe via email to get new posts straight to your inbox!

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Everything I learned about gracefully declining (that is, saying no), I learned from Alan*. Alan lives at L’Arche, and he has a fantastic sense of humor, an engaging mind, and intellectual disabilities. He is my friend and my teacher.

As such, I’ll never forget the afternoon Alan gave his quintessential, “Thanks but no thanks.”

We were sitting together in the living room at L’Arche. Bill, another man with disabilities, was talking with Alan about the computer that Alan’s parents had just set up in Alan’s room. I could tell that Bill was a bit jealous, as he wanted a computer in his room. I wondered if it would be a good idea to mention a spare L’Arche computer that could be re-purposed into Bill’s space.

Before I could say anything, however, Bill said, with typical forthrightness, “Hey, Alan. How about I use the computer in your room sometimes.” (Note the absence of a question mark.)

“Hmmmmm,” Alan replied. He deliberated. (I was holding my breath.)

Alan shook his head slowly. When he spoke, his voice was calm and assured. “No, no. I don’t think that’d be a good idea.”

I exhaled. (To my mind, the quiet confidence in Alan’s reply ranked it alongside the classic:  “I’m disinclined to acquiesce to your request.”)

Alas, Bill did not see Alan’s refusal in the same way as I did.

“Wha…? WHY NOT?!” Bill blustered. His face got red. (Again, I resisted the urge to jump in and ‘save’ Alan.)

“Well,” Alan said, still calm, “You might break it.”

“I would NOT!” Bill said, his voice rising. “I would NOT break it!”

At this point, I did jump in, mirroring Alan’s calm tone. “Hey, Bill? It’s Alan’s computer, so let’s let him decide who can use it. But that reminds me — I have some ideas to get you more computer time.” The conversation turned from there.

What did Alan do to make his refusal both graceful and potent?

1 – He took a pause. Alan didn’t rush to answer Bill, despite the commanding way in which Bill ‘asked’ to use the computer. Instead, he took a moment to think. This is an often-overlooked practice, but it can make all the difference. You have every right to take a pause when you need one. (This includes saying, “I need more time to decide; can I let you know by [X]?”)

2- He didn’t let another person’s anger throw him off course. Alan retained composure and stated his truth with assurance, despite Bill’s blustering. This is a challenging one for me:  I tend to believe that, if another person gets angry, I need to change course. By contrast, Alan showed me that, while his decision belonged to him, Bill’s anger did not. Sometimes, I simply need to let another person be angry. This can be difficult; all my sympathizing synapses start zinging. But Alan showed me that you can be a compassionate person and still stand firm in your decisions. As Cloud and Townsend write in Boundaries:  “…you must view anger realistically. Anger is only a feeling inside the other person. It cannot jump across the room and hurt you. It cannot ‘get inside’ you unless you allow it. Let the anger be in the other person.”

3- He was straightforward about his concerns. I was impressed by Alan’s candor. When asked, he stated his concerns. He was worried that Bill might break his computer. Alan wasn’t accusing Bill of anything, and he wasn’t being vindictive. He was truthfully answering the question posed to him. Likewise, when asked, “Why can’t you donate?” you might answer, “Because I cannot afford to give in that way at this time.” (Note:  you don’t need to answer “Why not?” questions. Your no is your own; you don’t need to justify it. Alan chose to answer Bill’s question, but you can say, “I’d rather not specify” if you prefer.)

4- He gave up the need to be right. Notice that Alan didn’t get the ‘last word’ in this conversation. Instead, Alan let Bill have his anger. Alan didn’t say, “What do you mean you won’t break it? You’ve broken things before!” If Alan had insisted on being right and justifying his perspective, the interaction might have led to a full-blown argument. You need to stand by your decisions, but you don’t need to take responsibility for another person’s perception of your choice.

The next time you want to say an honest ‘no’, pay attention to the resistance that may come up within you. Take time to identify what’s holding you back from an honest reply. Is it a feeling of being pressed for an answer? Is it a fear of judgment? of the other person’s anger?

What’s stopping you from saying no today? Is it the same thing that’s stopping you from being bold and taking a chance on saying yes to what you really want?

Pay attention to the myriad moments in which you say your yes and no each day. See what comes when, in the words of Jesus, you simply let your yes be ‘yes’ and your no, ‘no.’

Namaste,

Caroline

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Thank you for reading! Do share your experience and start a conversation with a comment below.

Also, Retweets and subscriptions via email or RSS are always appreciated. (As Everett Bogue once said, “Twitter is tea for the soul.” Subscriptions are, too.)

*Names have been changed.