Trapped By A Problem? How Active Receptivity Can Set You Free

When you want to solve an intractable problem, you probably do what I do:  dwell, ruminate and obsess. Yet I’ve noticed that when I’m frantically seeking a solution to a difficulty, I rarely receive one. Yet this does not translate to:  “Since I don’t know what to do about my [job search/medical condition/insane schedule], I’m going to do nothing.” Giving up gets you nowhere.

But if madly scrambling for a solution isn’t helpful….and giving up won’t do…what’s left?

There’s a middle way between striving and passivity. It’s called active receptivity. It means that you work toward a solution while opening yourself to receive the unexpected. Problem-solving is an art, and art is a receptive process. It is akin to conceiving a child…one part science and two parts mystery.

Let’s talk about how you can cultivate active receptivity in your life.

First and foremost:  “Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth.”

(Because if Liz Gilbert puts it on the first page of Eat, Pray, Love…then baby, that’s the first thing I’ll say.)

The foundation of many a problem is a failure to acknowledge your truth in a given situation. Deep down, you know your truth…yet hearing it requires listening. To wit:  when I was in an annual planning meeting with Paul* (a member of L’Arche who has intellectual disabilities) I heard a whisper of truth that has stayed with me since.

A bit of background:  planning meetings are held to create an individual’s support plan (ISP). ISPs are required for people with intellectual disabilities who receive Medicaid Waiver services. The ISP helps a person sets goals important to and important for them, and ensures they’ll get support to reach those goals. Behind the bureaucracy of the format, it’s actually a very cool process.

Before the goal-setting starts, the person shares how they’re feeling about each area of their life. Paul was asked, “What do you like about living at L’Arche?”

“The freedom,” he said, very softly. “I like the freedom.”

Paul needs significant social supports, and his caregivers limited his freedom in the past. We do our best to support him at L’Arche, but there are days when Paul’s problems seem to loom larger than the love we have for him. I hoped L’Arche had been a place of freedom for him, but until that moment, I honestly wasn’t sure.

But when he spoke his truth, I had no doubt.

I challenge you to sit quietly, while holding the problem you’re struggling with lightly in your mind. Listen for whispers of truth.

Next, try a different route.

At Paul’s planning meeting, we brainstormed different possible jobs for him. It was clear that he wanted something new, but he wasn’t wedded to one type of employment. He was open to possibilities.

An attitude of experimentation empowers you to be patient, waiting for one small action.

When faced with a challenging conundrum, give yourself time to think, process and breathe. In our fast-food, fast-track world, a little patience goes a long way. Patience (with the universe and with yourself) puts you way ahead of the pack.

As Roland Merullo writes in A Little Love Story:  “…If you just let your mind scamper around the fences for awhile, you see one small action you might take– a word, a shift in tactics. You tug on the knotted-up ball of string once, here, and things begin to loosen.”

For you, this might mean making an appointment that you’ve been putting off, or taking an honest look at your schedule and saying no to some things.

Let me tell you about a “knotted-up ball of string” that loosened in my life.

I’ve been wanting to connect with you, my readers, on a more personal level. To give back. To help you take care of yourself.

But for the longest time…I. had. no. idea. how.

I wrote down ideas and rejected them. I did idea-generation exercises, and…nada. So I:

• told the truth:  I don’t have an idea now, and that’s hard to accept
• kept my mind open, and brainstormed with friends
• put the lists aside for a week, and waited

It was as though this idea had its own hatching time, one that I couldn’t control. I could only hope to facilitate the process.

Then, this past Saturday, I woke up full of energy. I sat down at my computer. I wrote about self-care for caregivers, and working 1-on-1. I wrote about my experience at L’Arche. As I wrote, the outline of an idea emerged from the fog of frustration.

I wrote until I was sure. Until a new page materialized, until the excitement within me was brim-full. Then I went out and ran four miles. And went for a walk. And a bike ride. (Oh yes, I was sore the next day.)

The idea, in a nutshell:  I’m going to facilitate a support planning process for you, my readers. I’m going to utilize my experience to create unique plans for you. I’m going to foster the process that helped Paul speak his truth.

Curious? Check it out at Support Plans.

This idea-generation process has been messy, painful and a bit out-of-control…

but then, I hear, so is giving birth.

***

*Names have been changed.

Recommended Reading/Affiliate Links:

In keeping with the theme of this post (freedom! new ideas!):

Simplify:  7 Guiding Principles To Help Anyone Declutter Their Home And Life

As Joshua writes, “Two years ago, a typical family of four living in the suburbs made the decision to minimize their possessions, declutter their home, and simplify their life. Since then, they have inspired hundreds of thousands of others to give the new lifestyle a chance. And now, to help you experience the same freedom, they offer the most important lessons they have learned through the process in their new e-book.”

Click HERE for Simplify: 7 Guiding Principles to Help Anyone Declutter Their Home and Life.

Do You Dare To Think…Small?

I have a confession to make:  I can be my own best buzzkill. I was this week.

Two nights ago, I was thrilled to hear that I’d made my first affiliate sale. Someone purchased Inside-Out Simplicity via A Wish Come Clear (thank you, whoever you are.) Someone had a fantastic book to read…and I’d made a sale! I’ve had (wonderful, generous) donations, but a sale! I bounced around with excitement. I tweeted about it with Josh Becker (the author.) He was glad to be a part of my first sale. I thought about how exciting it was, how much I’m looking forward to publishing my own ebook and this site’s upcoming redesign.

And then I started downplaying it all.

I put on what Danielle LaPorte calls the ‘happiness muffle’. I subdued my excitement, saying to my husband, “It’s a start, but…it’s not big deal. Just $6.”

It was amazing how quickly my mood changed. I’d been elated, and suddenly, I was downcast. I thought, “I have so much farther to go…the site’s still so small…maybe it was a one-time fluke…”

Have you done this? Have you ever hit a milestone of some kind and then cut short the celebration with rationalizing or comparing yourself to others?

I considered the impulses behind my downplaying:

1. Fear of showing enthusiasm/revealing how much I care about a certain milestone or success. There’s a false belief that, if I show too much joy over something, it will be snatched away.

2. A ‘don’t rest on your laurels’ approach that pushes me past celebration and back to work right away. It’s another false belief that, if I am happy with a success, it will take away my determination to work toward a greater goal.

3. Belief that small things are insignificant.

I’ll focus on number 3, because it’s the most insidious one.

Small things get a bad rap. My mom used to quote me the verse, “Do not despise the day of small things.” She must have sensed within me a tendency to associate bigger with better. When we think this way, we miss out on opportunities. We get paralyzed by our own big dreams. We forget that doing a little bit every day can get us where we want to go; that giving a little bit matters; that overcoming our fear means taking one small courageous step at a time.

Luckily, my friends at L’Arche have helped to re-introduce me to the beauty of small. As I wrote in 2007:

“I observed Theresa* hunting for pennies as we walked around the block together. Other assistants had told me about her penchant for finding coins, but it was an education to see it firsthand. Theresa scrupulously searches every street she walks down, finding pennies wherever she goes. Yet what strikes me is not so much her capacity for locating pennies but her method of gathering them. When she comes upon a coin, she stops and raises her hands in slow, deliberate delight. She bends to retrieve the coin, but never snatches at it. She just cups the penny into her palm and smiles.”

My friend Theresa has shown me that delighting in the small things isn’t foolish…it’s life-giving.

This week, I’ve been intrigued by Everett Bogue’s piece, “The 333 Project:  How To Create A Six-Figure Writing Career in 2011.” In it, he outlines how he’s “closing in on” 333 subscribers to his newsletter (because 333 subscribers at $25/month adds up to six figures.) This is impressive, but I’m not intrigued by the numbers so much as the philosophy.

What he’s saying is:  think small. Don’t assume that you need to do big things or please everyone in order to make your dreams come true. Think about what a small, dedicated group of people could do for your business, and what that small group could do for this world. Regardless of whether you’re selling newsletters or saving whales, this is valuable.

So I asked myself:  How do I cultivate this kind of thinking, this way of being? Put another way:  What qualities does Theresa exhibit in her search for pennies?

1. Theresa doesn’t compare one penny on the sidewalk with a huge jar of them in her room. She rejects comparison in favor of celebration. Each penny on the sidewalk makes a measurable difference to Theresa.

2. Theresa’s persistence practically guarantees that she’ll accumulate lots of pennies in her lifetime…because she’s always got her eyes open for them.

3. Because Theresa is proud and unashamed of her passion for penny collection, everyone in the community knows about it. And lots of people give Theresa pennies for her birthday. Huge jars of them. (You’d better believe THOSE add up.)

The small currencies of love I find at L’Arche enrich me every day. And because of Theresa’s example, I’m proud to say I earned $6 in affiliate commissions this week. While of course I have bigger dreams, I’m just starting out, starting small. This is where I’m at right now, and it’s a place worth celebrating.

Plus, when you think about it in Theresa’s terms:  Six dollars, baby…that’s six hundred pennies.

***

How about you? How could you ‘think small’ when it comes to your big dreams? Tell me in the comments!

***

*Names have been changed.

Recommended Reading/Affiliate Links:

In keeping with the theme of this post, I’d like to recommend:

The Simple Guide To A Minimalist Life by Leo Baubata. Author Leo Babauta (of ZenHabits.com, mnmlist.com and others) helps you think small. Leo writes about how changing one habit at a time enabled him to completely alter the course of his life. Chapters cover everything from clearing clutter to sustainability to travel to fitness to finances. You can also see a preview of the first few chapters here. Happy Reading!

The One Where I Was Always Late: Owning Your Anger, Part 2

In honor of my best friend Brooke’s blog launch (check her out at Books Distilled:  Helping You Discover Books You’ll Love!), today’s story is about…my best friend, Brooke.

Brooke and I met when we were freshmen at Vassar College, but we didn’t get to be close friends until sophomore year. We bonded over books, editing each others’ papers and encouraging one another to keep writing. Everything was going along swimmingly…until a pattern started to establish itself. As the friendship grew, one person started consistently showing up late.

I’m sorry to say that the person was me. I was late for coffees, editing sessions, and, one fateful day, late for lunch.

Of course, I always had a ‘good reason’. There was always an excuse for me to be late. And I was never late by ‘a lot’, so, I reasoned, it wasn’t a big deal.

I had a (self-imposed) punctuality disability. I pretended to myself that I was incapable of showing up on time…and I had no clue how this lie was affecting my friendships.

But on the day I was late for lunch, something changed.

I met Brooke on the steps of ACDC (the All Campus Dining Center), panting some lame excuse for being fifteen minutes late.

And here’s the beautiful thing:  she got mad. Constructively, truly mad. I saw frustration, disappointment and anger flash across her face…and then I saw her contain and utilize that anger, using it to fuel her truth.

When she spoke, she said something like this:

“Cari, when you’re late, it makes me feel like you don’t value our time. It makes me feel like you don’t value me or my friendship. And that hurts. I know you don’t mean to be hurtful. I know that’s not you. I know you don’t want me to feel like you don’t care about me. But that’s the way I do feel whenever you’re late.”

What did she do? She told me, gently but frankly, how my behavior affected her. She told me the truth about how my tardiness was impacting our friendship.

Do you have a friend whose behavior is negatively affecting you? (Are they always late, constantly gossiping or forgetting to pay you back?) What would it take for you to tell that person your truth?

A true friend will call you out when you’re treating her poorly. And she’ll do it in a way that draws you toward positive change. Hearing Brooke’s words felt like swallowing medicine…the kind that tastes horrible, but helps immensely.

“B,” I said, “I am so sorry.” (We were both choked up at this point.) “You’re right. I’ve been inconsiderate of you and of your time. I didn’t mean to do that, but I have. Please forgive me.”

Is there a pattern of behavior in your life that negatively affects others? What would it take to change that pattern?

She forgave me…and I embraced punctuality as a way of life. It took effort, and a solid commitment on my part. And yes, I employed ‘punctuality strategies’:   setting timers, leaving earlier, not doing ‘one last thing’ before heading out the door…

But what helped me the most then (and what helps me most now) is this:  I never want to see that look on a friend’s face again. I never want to make someone I love feel disrespected and devalued. Today, I perceive my desire to avoid that result as a strength…a strength I rely on to make sure I’m not late.

Brooke’s one-time truth-telling has saved me a lot of heartache and hurt feelings over the years. What if she’d stuffed her feelings, and never owned up to that anger? I might still be stuck in tardiness…and we might not be friends. Fortunately, Brooke made the effort and told her truth, confronting me with love. Why? Because she wanted better for our friendship.

Yes, I’m tempted to slack on punctuality sometimes. And, inevitably, mistakes happen. (Recently, I was late to a friends’ house because I had a bad set of directions and got lost.) But thanks to Brooke, my past tardiness doesn’t become a present-day pattern. I refuse to let it.

Has someone else’s anger ever helped you to change for the better? If so, tell me in the comments!

Furthermore, until the day that Brooke got mad, I didn’t see how owning my anger could be a catalyst for positive change within a friendship. Since then, I’ve come to believe that such truth-telling is not only possible, but essential. I’ve come to see that if friends can’t tell the truth of what they’re feeling toward each other– even when the truths are uncomfortable and difficult to face– then that friendship is on shaky ground.

As such, I think back to that day when Brooke got mad as not only the day I ‘got’ punctuality, but as the day our friendship found itself on solid, lasting ground.

***

Recommended Reading/Affiliate Links:

In keeping with the theme of this post, I’d like to recommend:

Brooke’s blog launch at Books Distilled (obviously!), as well as…

Tell Your Time:  How To Manage Your Schedule So You Can Live Fulfilled

Tell Your Time is a small book that packs a big punch! If you are a practical-minded I-want-to-get-specific kind of person, you’ll resonate with this book. As author Amy Lynn Andrews (of bloggingwithamy.com) writes, “[Tell Your Time] outlines a straightforward, step-by-step approach to controlling your schedule and ensuring the important things don’t fall through the cracks.” If you enjoyed my post, The Ultimate Guide To Streamlining Your Daily Routines, you’ll love Tell Your Time!

Also, The 7-Week Life Cleanse is on a great SALE at the moment! From April 17 until April 23, Katie Tallo’s lovely guide is available for just $5 ! (It’s usually $20…that’s a 75% discount, for those of you keeping score at home!) If you’ve never purchased an ebook before, this is a great time to give one a chance.

As an incentive to check it out, here are a few notes I made as I read:

~First section ~ see my guest post, Reflect, Rethink And Cherish:  How To Transform Your Time (which outlines the time-log and reflection activity in the first section.)
~Second section ~ Connects with my post on streamlining daily routines ~ and I love how Katie interweaves Mary Oliver’s poem, “The Journey”.
~Third section ~ Discusses finding your flow, letting go of stressors
~Fourth section ~ Shares ways to take stock, how to show your love to those around you
~Fifth section ~ Gears you up for big change, being your best /creating enthusiasm, and taking one small step
~Sixth section ~ Finding your soul by helping you get rid of the junk and do what you love
~Seventh section ~ Focuses on health, mindfulness, delighting in your days, reflection and evaluation; using your ‘word’