On Taking Initiative Today (Because Baby, You Were Born This Way)

Last week’s post on thinking small got me thinking about the flip side of things. Initiative. Thinking big and acting big.

This doesn’t have to mean acting dramatic. It means acting outside your comfort zone. It means having what my friends and I call ‘brave days’.

Thinking big and acting big simply means putting yourself out there. It means that you…

1. State Your Desires

In yoga, there’s a wonderful tradition of setting an intention as you begin your practice (or begin your day.) Your intention could be anything:  to have fun, to challenge yourself, to breathe deeply. The power in this is that it forces you to take a moment and ask yourself what you want from your practice, from your life. It positions you to take initiative, to move toward your desire.

When I think of initiative, I think of my friend Theresa*. One day, weeks before my wedding, she approached me and hugged me. Apropos of nothing, she said with a smile:  “Guess what? I’m comin’ to your weddin’!”

There was no time to think. She wasn’t on the initial guest list. (We had a very small wedding.) But I had an epiphany.

“Of course you are!” I said. And that was that.

She was right. She was coming, because I couldn’t help but see the love and enthusiasm she’d bring to our day. I couldn’t help but agree with her belief that she should be there.

True, I could have told Theresa no. I wasn’t afraid of losing the friendship. (Our friendship has survived many a ‘no’.) She would have been disappointed, but she would not have loved me less.

Weeks later, Theresa said the opening prayer at our ceremony. She blessed Jonathan and me with such straightforward conviction that when she finished, our minister said, “I’m not sure I should add anything to that!”

What intention could you state aloud today (even just to yourself?)

2. Embrace Non-Complaint, And Take Action

My husband Jonathan (who has asked me to write that he is:  “…nine feet tall, 500 pounds, and can bench-press entire buildings!”) is a master of the non-complaint. He’s had tendonitis for the last two weeks, and it’s definitely limited his mobility.

If this were me, I would be strongly tempted toward self-pity.

Nevertheless, he’s not resorted to self-pity or complaint. His outlook is patience. He’s resting, icing, massaging…doing everything to facilitate healing. He’s accepting where he is, but also working to change it. And that is a powerful position to take.

As he often says, “If there’s something I don’t like, I change it. If I can’t change it, then I do something else.”

Does this statement ring true for you? If so, how could you incorporate it into your daily life?

3. See Yourself Through Different Eyes

I had a strange dream last night. I was in a hospital, and I was there to help my mom give birth. To me. (Wild, right?)

In the dream, I used every ounce of kindness and humor I had to make things easier for her. And then the scene shifted, and I was holding a baby girl in my arms. The baby girl was me. And I was amazed at her. She was sweet, smart, perceptive and articulate. (In fact, there was no way this baby could have been a newborn. She spoke in full sentences. She had skills.)

When I woke up, I realized I’d been given a gift:  the gift of seeing myself through different eyes. I could appreciate my capacities without getting hung up on my disabilities. I felt released of any judgment toward myself; my inner critic was silent. (For about five minutes.) Even so, it was miraculous.

It made me think of how I recently spent time with my best friends and their 18-month-old son. He is a marvel, smart, daring and hilarious. We were all captivated by him. (Even when he pooped on our floor. Twice.) His presence freed us up to play and dawdle and enjoy dolce far niente. He seemed to shine at us, and we shone back.

Spend some time with a child, and you’ll see it:  we all have that capacity to shine. We were all born to do big things.

Final confession:  I’ve had the Lady Gaga song, “Born This Way” in my head all week. This is partly Katie Tallo’s fault (thanks to her post, “I’m Having A Gaga Moment”).

As such, it’s fitting to leave you with this:

“Whether life’s disabilities / Left you outcast, bullied or teased

Rejoice and love yourself today / ‘Cause baby, you were born this way.”

***

*Names have been changed.

(Free) Recommended Reading:

In keeping with the theme of this post, I’d like to recommend:

This Free Ebook Resource:  Books To Change The Way You Think. Dusti Arab of Minimalist Adventures (and the new site Undefinable You) compiled this fantastic list of free ebooks. As I’ve read and enjoyed many of them, I’d like to pass the goodness along!

Do You Dare To Think…Small?

I have a confession to make:  I can be my own best buzzkill. I was this week.

Two nights ago, I was thrilled to hear that I’d made my first affiliate sale. Someone purchased Inside-Out Simplicity via A Wish Come Clear (thank you, whoever you are.) Someone had a fantastic book to read…and I’d made a sale! I’ve had (wonderful, generous) donations, but a sale! I bounced around with excitement. I tweeted about it with Josh Becker (the author.) He was glad to be a part of my first sale. I thought about how exciting it was, how much I’m looking forward to publishing my own ebook and this site’s upcoming redesign.

And then I started downplaying it all.

I put on what Danielle LaPorte calls the ‘happiness muffle’. I subdued my excitement, saying to my husband, “It’s a start, but…it’s not big deal. Just $6.”

It was amazing how quickly my mood changed. I’d been elated, and suddenly, I was downcast. I thought, “I have so much farther to go…the site’s still so small…maybe it was a one-time fluke…”

Have you done this? Have you ever hit a milestone of some kind and then cut short the celebration with rationalizing or comparing yourself to others?

I considered the impulses behind my downplaying:

1. Fear of showing enthusiasm/revealing how much I care about a certain milestone or success. There’s a false belief that, if I show too much joy over something, it will be snatched away.

2. A ‘don’t rest on your laurels’ approach that pushes me past celebration and back to work right away. It’s another false belief that, if I am happy with a success, it will take away my determination to work toward a greater goal.

3. Belief that small things are insignificant.

I’ll focus on number 3, because it’s the most insidious one.

Small things get a bad rap. My mom used to quote me the verse, “Do not despise the day of small things.” She must have sensed within me a tendency to associate bigger with better. When we think this way, we miss out on opportunities. We get paralyzed by our own big dreams. We forget that doing a little bit every day can get us where we want to go; that giving a little bit matters; that overcoming our fear means taking one small courageous step at a time.

Luckily, my friends at L’Arche have helped to re-introduce me to the beauty of small. As I wrote in 2007:

“I observed Theresa* hunting for pennies as we walked around the block together. Other assistants had told me about her penchant for finding coins, but it was an education to see it firsthand. Theresa scrupulously searches every street she walks down, finding pennies wherever she goes. Yet what strikes me is not so much her capacity for locating pennies but her method of gathering them. When she comes upon a coin, she stops and raises her hands in slow, deliberate delight. She bends to retrieve the coin, but never snatches at it. She just cups the penny into her palm and smiles.”

My friend Theresa has shown me that delighting in the small things isn’t foolish…it’s life-giving.

This week, I’ve been intrigued by Everett Bogue’s piece, “The 333 Project:  How To Create A Six-Figure Writing Career in 2011.” In it, he outlines how he’s “closing in on” 333 subscribers to his newsletter (because 333 subscribers at $25/month adds up to six figures.) This is impressive, but I’m not intrigued by the numbers so much as the philosophy.

What he’s saying is:  think small. Don’t assume that you need to do big things or please everyone in order to make your dreams come true. Think about what a small, dedicated group of people could do for your business, and what that small group could do for this world. Regardless of whether you’re selling newsletters or saving whales, this is valuable.

So I asked myself:  How do I cultivate this kind of thinking, this way of being? Put another way:  What qualities does Theresa exhibit in her search for pennies?

1. Theresa doesn’t compare one penny on the sidewalk with a huge jar of them in her room. She rejects comparison in favor of celebration. Each penny on the sidewalk makes a measurable difference to Theresa.

2. Theresa’s persistence practically guarantees that she’ll accumulate lots of pennies in her lifetime…because she’s always got her eyes open for them.

3. Because Theresa is proud and unashamed of her passion for penny collection, everyone in the community knows about it. And lots of people give Theresa pennies for her birthday. Huge jars of them. (You’d better believe THOSE add up.)

The small currencies of love I find at L’Arche enrich me every day. And because of Theresa’s example, I’m proud to say I earned $6 in affiliate commissions this week. While of course I have bigger dreams, I’m just starting out, starting small. This is where I’m at right now, and it’s a place worth celebrating.

Plus, when you think about it in Theresa’s terms:  Six dollars, baby…that’s six hundred pennies.

***

How about you? How could you ‘think small’ when it comes to your big dreams? Tell me in the comments!

***

*Names have been changed.

Recommended Reading/Affiliate Links:

In keeping with the theme of this post, I’d like to recommend:

The Simple Guide To A Minimalist Life by Leo Baubata. Author Leo Babauta (of ZenHabits.com, mnmlist.com and others) helps you think small. Leo writes about how changing one habit at a time enabled him to completely alter the course of his life. Chapters cover everything from clearing clutter to sustainability to travel to fitness to finances. You can also see a preview of the first few chapters here. Happy Reading!

The One Where I Got The ‘Wrong’ Person: Owning Your Anger, Part 3

Let me tell you a secret:  when I first came to L’Arche in June of 2007, I got paired up the ‘wrong’ person. At least, that’s what I thought.

I arrived at L’Arche Ontario home in a time of transition. As such, many of the people with intellectual disabilities who lived in the Ontario home needed new accompaniers. (To be someone’s accompanier makes you the ‘point person’ for everything from their medical appointments to their taxes to their toothpaste.) At first, it seemed that I was going to be paired with Vincent*. I was happy with that idea. Vincent felt like a surrogate grandpa:  supportive and kind. I’ve always felt at ease around him.

I didn’t get paired with Vincent, however. I got paired with Leo.

To understand how I took the news, you have to understand how I perceived Leo initially. Leo is the founding member of the L’Arche Greater Washington DC Community. He has a loud voice, a slight speech impediment and a tendency to jump from one topic to another without segue. All these things make it difficult for people who don’t know him well to understand him. Leo is a stickler for detail. As a newbie, I felt like I’d never measure up to the level of wizardry I saw the experienced assistants exhibit. He’s also a die-hard Republican, with a very ‘traditional’ view of men’s and women’s roles and abilities and a razor-sharp memory for historical facts and family trees. (Note:  I lack all of these things. Completely.)

Leo loves to play pranks on new assistants when they’re learning routines. (He’ll turn the lights off on you, lock you in the bathroom and toss his towel over your head…all while giggling manically.) And Leo wasn’t thrilled with the thought of me as his accompanier. He’d been hoping for a male accompanier, and he got me. A double-whammy of disappointment all around.

In short, I was intimidated both by Leo himself and by the task of accompanying him. I wanted something easier.

What helped me to move forward? First, owning my anger, which meant letting it all out in my journal. This led me to see that the anger itself was a mask for my fear…fear that I wouldn’t be a good accompanier for Leo. The unexpected accompaniment pairing had me calling my entire personal identity into question…all because I was afraid.

~If you’re angry today, what fear might your anger be a mask for?

Next, realizing that I’d need to adjust my expectations in going forward. Realizing that, instead of an instant comfort, I’d have to work hard for every moment of connection with Leo. I’d have to figure out how to be true to myself and also forge a connection with this person I perceived as ‘other’. (Which, by the way, is a foundational principle of L’Arche– in welcoming and drawing close to those we perceive as ‘other’, we realize our common ground and become more truly ourselves in the process.)

~How much of your anger is a result of unrealistic expectations?

And then came a turning point:  I allowed my initial anger to transform itself, it turned into defiance and determination. I started to want something more challenging. I thought, “If this is the person I’m paired with, I’m going to do my utmost to make it work.” My attitude started to change. It also helped to realize that others didn’t perceive Leo the way I did. When one of my best friends visited, she perceived Leo as, “Adorable! Like a teddy bear!” (A direct quote.)

~If you allowed it, how might your anger transform itself into new energy?

Leo and I began with books, because that was our most visible point of commonality. I’d read with Leo day after day, because in reading I felt competent. Talking with him didn’t feel comfortable, but reading with him I could handle.

We read and read. And somewhere down the line, we started talking. And I started appreciating his way of being:  how he pointed out purple flowers on the side of the road; his unique insights; how he’d clap his hands when he was excited; his quirky sense of humor; the way he’d express his respect for me in subtle but significant ways. The day he first saluted me (a gesture he typically reserves for males), I felt like I’d won the lottery. Time, perseverance and a change of attitude all paid off.

We grew to respect one another, realizing that our accompaniment pairing was actually a stroke of genius. I’m very detail-oriented, and this sets Leo’s mind at ease. Leo is someone who takes time and patience to get to know well…and I love to dig for treasure. Ironically enough, over a year after I received Leo’s accompaniment, I was fighting tooth and nail to keep that assignment. I didn’t want to let go of the role that had become so much a part of my life.

Though my role has changed, Leo and I continue to accompany one another through life. Every week, when we sit down to read together, I’m reminded that (as stated on the TV show Psych):  “The best things, the richest things, are the things that don’t come easy.”

What do we read? At present, Leo and I are about two-thirds of the way through an 850+ page biography of Stephen A. Douglas…one we started reading over three years ago.

Yes, we’re persistent and stubborn…and we’re going to see it through to the very last page.

***

Have you ever been matched with the ‘wrong’ person ~ in your workplace or family? What did you do with that anger? Tell me in the comments!

*Names have been changed.

Recommended Reading/Affiliate Links:

In keeping with the theme of this post, I’d like to recommend:

Inside-Out Simplicity:  Life-Changing Keys To Your Most Important Relationships

An excellent read by Joshua Becker of Becoming Minimalist.com. The focus of this ebook is relational, and I appreciate Josh’s guidance in this area. Click HERE for Inside-Out Simplicity.